As the wild goose chase around the U.N. continues to dominate world headlines, The Forrington Times can report from its exhaustive undercover findings that chemical warfare has in fact already begun, hitting hardest in George W's precious adopted state of Texas. Dismissed by cynics as a freak ice storm, this is surely the clearest sign yet that America is under serious attack? NOTE: The following report may be disturbing for those readers who have no sense of humour:
An eerie stillness descended upon the streets of Dallas this morning. Normally bustling with BMWs and Porsches taking their immaculately coiffured owners to work, roads remained empty as residents of Dallas contemplated this newly presented threat to America's national security. With effects that perhaps even Ken Livingstone could not have contemplated, Dallas today was a disturbing insight of how life might be without cars. Although schools were shut and many did not hazard the journey to work, for those who absolutely had to travel it appeared that walking or using public transport suddenly became an ominous reality. Officials attempted to assuage fears by instituting emergency free bus and train transport, but even this had its dangers. Bus drivers unused to driving on ice, and suffering from the added shock of actually having passengers, often found themselves unable to cope with the strain as their buses became stranded in the dangerous ice.
For those resolute Texans for whom public transport and perambulatory activities proved too frightening to contemplate, worse was in store. Having de-iced their trucks, they set off only to discover that the major overpasses, integral in linking highway to highway, were closed down. Thus, innocent Texans were forced onto the side streets, encountering traffic lights and the horrific possibility that life might exist outside the car. Luckily, the few who had defied the system early on and bought impractical European cars did not have to face that disillusionment, as their cars were stranded in driveways.
Although the White House has declined to comment on this latest act of terrorism, citizens of Dallas are clearly concerned.
Perhaps nothing can sum up the panic more aptly and succinctly than a observation by eminent mouse chaser and beauty queen, Maggie Forrington-Turner: "Meow."
Her brother, Montiago de Forrington-Turner the First, refused our requests for an interview, although sources allege he has not yet committed himself to touching the omnipresent ice, for fears of contamination. His caution is perhaps a timely lesson for all of us who once slept soundly in our beds. Forrington-Turner the First once disappeared for ten days, during which he was widely rumoured to have been interrogated by the FBI for his connections with subversive activities.
The National Weather Service announced on Monday evening that "If you leave the safety of being indoors, you are putting your life at risk." Considering the culture of fear that infiltrates this land, this could perhaps mean the few stragglers out on the streets are just a fading reminder of times past. Soon they too will be driven indoors. Today Texans, tomorrow all of America. And if we can keep all Americans indoors out of harm's way....?
Osama, how did you do it?